


We Love to Hurt

by neil_is_satan



Category: Voltron - Fandom
Genre: I'm Sorry, Like really angsty, M/M, They both be hurting okay, based on art I saw on Instagram, it's angsty, it's balanced, yeah Lance's a dick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-11
Updated: 2019-04-12
Packaged: 2019-11-15 19:16:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18079340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neil_is_satan/pseuds/neil_is_satan
Summary: I like torturing myself so have some angst.





	1. Chapter 1

His dad had only told him three things that had stayed with him through it all, but the one most fitting now was the thing he'd say when he asked about his mom.

 

His eyes would glass over, sad but understanding tears, and he'd get a content smile, a thing that he never understood. Why would he be happy remembering the woman that left? The woman that abandoned them, the woman that didn't even have a voice, a face, nothing. Nameless too, if his dad wasn't so insistent on her existence it would've been like she was never there.

 

But he'd say, “ _The thing that pains me most about her leaving is that you'll never meet her. It's been 7 years, time doesn't follow it's rules when it comes to family. It always goes faster, it doesn't bid to you.”_ His voice low and soothing in a weird way. He admired his dad for a lot of things.

 

One of those things was the way he handled everything regarding his mom. He held no resent, if anything he just held love and respect, something that he couldn't understand at that time. But his father was just that, the calm part of the spectrum.

 

Not everyone was like that.

 

Not everyone was like his dad, he had to learn that, his dad was a great man an amazing man, someone to look up to. But even he couldn't be like him.

 

Family was taking a toll on everyone in the group. He could see it, the bags under everyone's eyes, the way that they held some belongings close to them, the way they never said their names, he saw it all.

 

But he didn't need to see to know that it was straining Lance the most.

 

The only proof he needed was that Lance never talked about family,if someone else talked about theirs he'd find any excuse and leave. It was sensitive, but he never cried. Not like he'd seen Allura do so for her father; Shiro for Adam and his parents; Pidge for her father and Matt; Hunk for his mom's and siblings; and even Coran for his daughter.

 

They had all cried; all except him and Lance and now that Matt had been found Lance had conveniently disappeared. He could imagine what Lance felt, the jealousy, the anger, envy, he knew because he used to feel that. At every parent teacher meeting, every awards ceremony, and every single graduation ceremony, he felt it.

 

Lance and him had had a rough start, Lance hated him,he had made that clear various times, but Keith never did. He hated himself for it, it'd be so much easier if he did, but he didn't,he doubted that he ever could. He had long discarded a scenario where he even retaliated those feelings, much less one were they were together but that didn't mean he didn't still feel something. It also didn't mean he'd start pretending to not care, cause he did, and he wanted to help.

 

He hated the castle of lions at times like these, it was so massive, so much room to hide, it was a living reenactment of finding a needle in a haystack. It helped that this needle always hid in the same place, he can't give himself all the credit though, in one of the few times that Lance and him seemed to be at peace with one another he had confided in him that the observatory was were he went to clear his mind and to rest.

 

“Lance?” He said as he opened the door as softly as he could.

 

“Leave.” Quick and sharp. There in middle of the room he sat, a map of the galaxies surrounding him.

 

“Lance-”

 

“Leave me alone.” His facade cracking, his voice wavering.

 

“Just tell me what's wrong.”

 

“I miss them,” A few strangled sobs made there way through before he could speak again,” All of them and I'm stuck in this battle that I didn't sign up for. Did Rachel get her quinceañera, did Luis propose, is abuelita still in that damn bingo club? We don't even know what fucking day it is, what month, what year?!” Lance said as he collapsed, the weight of all that he was keeping inside weighing on him the more time that passed.

 

“Lance-”

 

“You got what you fucking wanted, you got to see me weak and below you like always now fucking leave me alone.” He said slamming his fists into the ground.

 

“That's not what I think of you! Why do you always assume that I think I'm above you, that I don't care about you! You're just as important to me as everyone else in the team, so let me help you! Look I know that family is difficult and being here isn't helping but-” Laughter. _Laughter._ **_Laughter._ **

 

Cold, stale, laughter. Lance had never looked like that before, the bags under his eyes now his defining feature; his eyes red, but his eyes weren't blue anymore they seemed grey; his face stained by tear marks throughout, and his laughter, his laughter scared him. It held something, the feeling of inevitable failure, the stone sitting in his stomach warning him that something bad was bound to happen.

 

And it did.

 

“Family? You get more pathetic as the days go by,” Suddenly the mood changed, shifted, his fists clenched,” What do you know about family!? You're an orphan Keith, you don't have family! You have nothing! Absolutely nothing!”

 

And it was true, sadly it was true but why did it hurt? Why did it hurt this much?

 

“That,” He started, shakily he continued,”Really wasn't necessary.” Not bothering to hide the tears that made their way down his face, he figured that Lance didn't care.

 

Something shifted, he felt it. The anger, the betrayal, disbelief, but he didn't care. He saw Lance's face soften, he didn't care as he rushed his way down from the observatory to his room.

 

He could understand, he could. But he wasn't a punching bag, he wouldn't let himself be used as such. So he was making the right choice, that's we told himself as he got into one of the escape pods.

 

In the end of the day Lance had been right, everyone had someone, he had nothing. He had considered the Blade and now it was an option clearly written out. Voltron could wait or find a replacement, there was more people than they could count Red would find a suitable pilot soon enough.

 

He left a note, he wasn't a complete monster, and he figured that after all Shiro had done he deserved at least that.

After all Lance was right, he had nothing, he had no one, he'd stay that way.


	2. But You'll Carry The Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some asked, and i wanted to, so i made it

 

“He couldn't have just left!” Pidge hollered from her end of the table

 

“Im telling you that he did, he wrote it in the note he left, there's nothing more to it.” Shiro said through his teeth.

 

“What if something happened to him though? I mean were could he go? Sure, anyone would be down to house a paladin but you know..” Hunk toned out.

 

“Hunk please, if you're gonna say something make sure to just say it, we don't have much time.” Allura said defeated from were she was seated.

 

“He’s part galra, he's not going to be met with the same type of animosity that he would have been met with before the news got out.” HUnk said, nearly whispering it as he held his head down low.

 

The room was quiet, no one had thought of that, soon the fear would settle in , for no one really knew what happened to the red paladin. It wasn't hard to imagine a scenario were he was being kidnapped, exploited, perhaps even killed.

 

“Regardless of what's happening to him right now, we know him, hes strong, and not reckless enough to just become some space hobo.” Pidge said as she broke the silence that had started to loom over them. They all agreed with her, they knew him, at least the hoped that they did, but could you truly no someone like keith? Maybe not, but they all held onto it.

 

“He wouldn't just leave just cause, Allura are you sure you haven't been, cold towards him.” Shiro said with pure determination, it was his brother that was missing, and knowing Allura’s and Keith’s history he wouldn't put it past her.

 

“What do you mean?” Allura said completely oblivious to the accusation made towards her.

 

“Oh for god's sake Allura you basically isolated him because of your Galra racism, i wouldn't doubt that you said something that made him wanna leave.” Pidge rudely clarified.

 

“The princess would never!” Both Lance and Coran exclaimed at the same time.

 

“Of Course the only time you'd talk is when someone offends her.” Pidge said under her breath, but he was sure she said it just loud enough for everyone to hear. Everyone shared their own responses of disapproval, except for Lance, but soon enough they were at each other's throats again. Shiro punched a wall and left, Allura went through the tapes again, Coran cried, Pidge stared daggers at Allura, and Hunk kept spreading himself thin trying to accommodate everyone.

 

It had been three months.

 

They were falling apart.

 

The note left by Keith had not given much information to go off on. It was a simple goodbye letter with a few appreciation sentences towards Shiro and some man named Adam. It was simple and to the point, but still no information, not even a small lead, just a last sentence that kept everyone connected to the realness of the situation,  _ “I’ve come to realize that I can never belong to Voltron, i can never be part of that family, Shiro, its my choice alone I have to do this” _

 

Keith, always taking the fall, Shiro knew this and he failed to believe it and every day passing he became more and more agitated by the fact that he didn't have answers and that his own brother didn't trust him enough to say were he was heading.

 

Allura became more and more stressed barely sleeping, barely eating, barely living. All she did was review the tapes and look for any small sign of where he could've been. If there was something she hated it was not having answers, Regardless of Keith’s whereabouts, she knew that the universe needed Voltron and if they couldn't have Keith they had to find someone else, no one liked the idea.

 

Even if they did, it'd be impossible. Red had fallen into some coma of sorts, Coran tried insisting that it was fine. They all knew it wasn't. If a robotic cat could be depressed then Red was depressed. They sensed it and so did their own lions. Black and Blue were the ones who felt it most, Lance and Shiro felt it through their connection often disrupting them during a fight, a mothers pain.

 

Hunk and Pidge were constantly arguing, Pidge insisting that she was okay and that Hunk should stop defending Allura, and Hunk insisting that she was anything but okay ever since she passed out mid-fight with a galra fleet.He never talked about Allura near her, never tried justifying why he was defending her, Hunk was wise enough to that it would just rile her up even more and he didn't want her to do anything drastic .

Coran was doing as good as you could imagine, he had bags under his eyes darker than anything you could imagine, and everyone knew why. Keith and Coran had a weird bond, a good bond but still weird, everyone knew why. Keith was the paladin of Coran’s best friends lion, and Coran happened to be like a dad to Keith. He had lost Alfor, and he was losing Keith, and whether anyone noticed the sobs coming from Keiths room, no one would say

 

It was his fault, the guilt darkening his mind, the fear of anyone figuring out what he did keeping him up, personifying every shadow of his room.

 

Three months of fading into the background, three months of whispering sorry’s into their shared wall, three months of not being able to look anyone in the eye, three months.

 

Those three months would soon be over

 

“Paladins, control room now!” Allura screamed into the PA with more energy than perhaps all of them combined at this point, upon entering the control room she could see why.

 

It was the leader of the Blade, Kolivan, but he wasn't the star of the show, it was Keith, in full Blade gear sporting what seemed to be a Galra mark from his cheek down into his suit.

 

“Kolivan, Keith” Allura greeted as calmly as she could, by the way her had kept twitching she had a few things to say.

 

It was understandable, they were first to be contacted, the first asked to look out for Keith, the first to be begged to let them know if they even though they saw him, who knew that they had him.

 

“Afternoon Princess we have a few things to talk about.” Kolivan said in his usual monotone voice.

 

“We sure do, ill order Coran to open the hangar so you may land.” She said as Kolivan and her exchanged a nod of understanding.

 

They all stayed in silence, waiting for when Keith and Kolivan decided to burst through the door, surprisingly it didn't take long, it seemed to be urgent.

 

And when they did no one knew what to say,he was there in front of them but it still all felt to surreal like if they went to touch him he would evaporate and they'd never see him again, only that this time it'd be for real.

 

“You're here.” God bless Coran to break the silence.

 

“I am” Keith said as he went to hug an already crying Coran, soon everyone followed suit, hunk went to embrace them both, Pidge punched Keith and just softly cried next to him, Shiro and Allura went at exactly the same time and just embraced the whole group as they fought of their own tears. He stayed behind, he wasn't a hypocrite, he knew his place, but that didn't mean a tear or two did not flow regardless.

 

“I'm sorry to interrupt, but there's important matters that do need to be discussed.” A third Galra said out of nowhere.

 

“Of course,” Allura said trying to compose herself, while everyone except Keith kept staring at this new guest.

 

‘I'm sorry if i surprised you, I was in the back during the call, I’m Ulaz.” That seemed to help ease everyone, at least they had a name and face.

 

“May I ask what exactly we need to talk about?” Shiro said still holding onto Keith.

 

“Keith.” Kolivan said as he started walking towards the conference room.

 

“All of you should come along” Ulaz the addressed the next part to Keith,”They need to know.” He said as he dragged Keith along with him, who in turn dragged Coran with him as well.

 

“Now that we are all settled I'm sure you want to know why we kept silent about Keith's whereabouts.” Kolivan said as he examined everyone in the room.

 

“Of course we do! We asked you, and you had the fucki-” Pidge started before she was cut of by Shiro.

 

“What she's trying to say is, we asked you, trusting that you'd be honest, we just want to know why you'd keep it from us.” Shiro said his knuckles turning white, his patience clearly wearing down. 

 

“We're not sorry for it, Keith came to us and we gladly took him in, he told us to withhold his location and we obliged.” Kolivan said his voice steady, and true to his word he showed no sign of guilt. But that just managed to tick everyone else off.

 

“Why didn't you want us knowing, you could've said something about wanting some spirit trip.” Pidge said outraged.

 

“Would you have let me?” Keith said cold, sharp, concisely.

 

No one said anything, they knew it was true.

 

“We’ve come to inform you that Keith is becoming a full time Blade.” Kolivan said, picking up the tension.

 

“What?!” Everyone besides the Blades exclaimed.

 

“Shut up!” Keith said trying to stop all their different disapproving yells.

 

“I'm doing this, it's my choice,  _ none  _ of you have a say.” Keith said, and they all knew there was no use saying anything else.

 

“My boy, you can't leave, please?” It wasn't coherent, but Coran was trying his best considering everything he just had to hear.

 

“Coran,” Keith said as he put his hand on his shoulder,” I-I have to.”

 

“He does, being with more Galra these past few movements has enhanced his Galra half, we offered to help, he agreed. We are prepared to house him for as long as he wishes.” Ulaz said giving Kolivan a chance to rest.

 

“NO!” Allura screamed shaking everyone down. She was always collected, to see her act this out of character was shocking.

 

“What about Voltron? What about us? For Quiznaks sake look at Coran? Don't you care?” Allura questioned as she stood from her seat, motioning to all of them. 

 

“Keith, go to your old quarters, contact Thace, as for the rest of you, I'd like some moments alone with the Princess and the black paladin.” Kolivan finished as he motioned Allura and Shiro to sit closer to him and Ulaz.

 

He was fine.

 

He was.

 

And then he was in the common area and it all started crashing down.

 

He had to talk to Keith, he had to. He couldn't live with himself if he didn't at least say sorry now that he had the chance.

 

It was difficult to get a moment alone with him though.

 

Hunk hogged him first, having him go here and there with him all throughout the kitchen. He smiled. It hurt, he was smiling, and it wasn't with him. He didn't understand it, but he didn't dwell. 

 

Then was Pidge's turn, they did nothing but talk, and she cried all while Keith held her. He left them alone out of respect for privacy, but when he came back they were gone, he had lost them.

 

It didn't take him long to find him though, Coran could be heard a world away, it was heartbreaking, it was pure pain they all heard it, they could all feel it, and it was all his fault. 

 

In one of Corans nunvil induced talks he had confined in Lance that he had a son, a some who died when Zarkons army destroyed Already, ason that reminded him so much of Keith. Instinctive, hot-headed, loyal, he felt his pain.

 

He waited outside for Coran to leave and quietly made his way into Keith's room.

 

“What do you want Lance?” It hurt, it was acid, his name poison said with so much hate and spite it made him curl into himself.

 

He couldn't bring himself to speak.

 

“Quiet now, you had so much to say back then, now talk or leave.” 

 

“Why are you leaving?”  _ Coward. _

 

“You should know.” Keith said his back still turned to him, could he really not stand having to see him?

 

“So it's not because of that whole Galra thing?”

 

“It is, but what you said helped me make the decision.”

 

“Don't.” He wasn't very articulate but he'd hope it's get his point across.

 

“But I am, now leave, I have more important people to talk to.” The last part almost whispered as if to try shielding him, it still held the same effect. It hurt the more he thought of it, after everything Lance had done Keith was still trying to take his feelings in consideration, it was a bit much to bare.

 

So he broke.

 

“Why aren't you yelling at me! Call me names, tell me I'm an idiot, that I fucked up! Please.” He was desperate, he wanted something to help justify what he'd done, anything.

 

“I won't, now leave.” He said it softer this time, he didn't deserve it.

 

He was outside the room, a coward through and through, but he needed to know.

 

“Why?” Now Keith was looking right at him, stern but still careful, still shielding, still infuriating.

 

“Cause this will hurt you more.” He said, it looked like this hurt im too, but he was unmoving, and it was true.

 

Keith never was one to lie.

 

He would deceive them, he knew Lance would break, he'd be the one to tell everyone what he'd done.

 

He'll break, it's just a matter of time.


End file.
